Coaching Fundamentals: The Arc of a Session - Part 4

Building a Coaching Culture - #102: Coaching Fundamentals: The Arc of a Session - Part 4 === J.R. Flatter [00:00:00]: Listening actively is probably one of the more exhausting things you can do as a human being, intellectually exhausting, physically exhausting, but it's absolutely essential in coaching that you actively listen to what's being said. Voice Over [00:00:15]: You're listening to the building a Coaching culture podcast. If you need to compete and win in the 21st century labor market as an employer of choice, this Podcast is for you. Each week, we share leadership development, coaching, and culture development insights from leading experts who are developing world class Cultures in their own organizations. And now here's your host, JR Flutter. J.R. Flatter [00:00:46]: Hey, welcome back everybody. JR Flatter here, and this is building a coaching culture. And as always, I have my trusted co host Lucas here. Everything going well with you? Yep. Alright. So here we are. We're still working our way through the foundations, the fundamentals of coaching. I Think we're right in the middle of just past the middle of of the fundamentals. J.R. Flatter [00:01:09]: And although we've talked about the competencies a lot, This will be the 1st time we really focus on them. The 8 core competencies, again, we align ourselves with the International Coaching Federation. And so we follow their 8 core competencies, and we'll talk about each of those. And, in the previous session, we talked about the arc of the relationship. And today, we're gonna talk about the arc of the session. And it's really relevant to the the competencies because the arc is directly relevant to where we're at in this session. So with that, we'll jump ahead, do our little bit of mindfulness like we always do. Wanna get you used to thinking about this. J.R. Flatter [00:01:49]: Wanna get you used to practicing this outside of the classroom, in in the classroom. This is the 2nd deck in every deck we teach quite purposely because we want you here. I want you present in the room. Got a 1,000,000 things going on. I'm going on a 30 plus day vacation tomorrow. I haven't packed at all, but I'm not thinking about any of that. I'm in the room with you. A 100% of my attention is here. J.R. Flatter [00:02:20]: But I know as a human being, I'm gonna wander, and I'm gonna think about, but, going overseas, I need adapter, I need warm clothes because it's gonna be cold where we're going, and I'll pull myself back into the room. That's what a coaching mindset requires of us. It's what the core values and ethics require of us. It's what the 8 competencies that we're gonna talk about require of us. We'll give ourselves that grace knowing we're gonna wander away but pulling ourselves back. So with that, just take a couple deep breaths, relax your eyeballs for a few seconds. Alright. Welcome back. J.R. Flatter [00:03:07]: The 4 domains and the 8 competencies. We talk about these in their domains, but we also talk about them in their arc of the sessions, arc of the relationship, a little bit differently than the ICF does. Doesn't mean we disagree. Just it's been our experience. When we group these together in practice, they're a little different than the 4 domains. The first 2 are foundation, and I I put my dictionary professor hat on for a second. They're not foundational, which would mean the other 6 spring from these. They are the foundation, which means the other 6 stand on them. J.R. Flatter [00:03:52]: So these 2 are the foundation upon which coaching and the other 6 competencies stand. And if we remember back to our house of leadership standing on a foundation of courage, practice of coaching stands on the foundation of these 2, demonstrating ethical practice and embodying a coaching mindset. And we'll dig into each of these in a few moments. The 2nd domain is co creating, and We are cocreating and maintaining or establishing and maintaining agreements. The beginning of every session and the arc of every session is competency 3. 4 is ongoing throughout the relationship, but all throughout each session cultivating trust and safety and number 5, maintaining presence. And you would think 5 is so fundamental to coaching that it wouldn't need to be broken out as a separate competency. But we'll walk through that and demonstrate why it is it its own competency. J.R. Flatter [00:04:57]: 6 and 7 are in the domain of communication. Listening actively is one of the hardest things you'll do as a leader and a coach, because we've been trained, and instinctively we wanna be problem solvers. And so for your entire professional life up to becoming a coach, starting your coaching journey, If someone came to you with a challenge, you were the answer person, and you would say, this is the answer. We're gonna ask you to listen and not be the answer person. Evoking awareness, not awareness of ourselves or awareness of the competencies, but evoking new awareness. As Lucas says, connecting the dots. When we talked about the difference between mentoring and coaching a few sessions ago, it was who had the awareness. When you're mentoring, you have the findings, you have the conclusions, and you have the recommendations. J.R. Flatter [00:05:59]: As a coach, the leader that you're coaching, you evoke the findings, you evoke the conclusions, and you re you evoke the recommendations. You help facilitate them. Then finally, we end in cultivates learning and a single competency in this domain. Ironically, it has the most subcompetencies, and we'll talk about each of those, but it's facilitating growth. If you think about the arc of the relationship, as we just talked about it, and now we're gonna talk about the arc of a session. As a coach, when I'm in the silence of my coaching and I'm thinking about what's the next powerful thing I can do or say, one of the questions I'm asking myself is, will it facilitate growth? Alright. So competency 1 and 2 in the foundation domain. Competencies 1 and 2 are unique in that they are yes or no. J.R. Flatter [00:07:01]: All the other competencies, I assess whether you've sufficiently demonstrated or counterdemonstrated. And I mark the time that I assessed each instance in the foundation demonstrating ethical practice, and embodying a coaching mindset, it's either a yes or a no. You either did or didn't. And the ICF doesn't apply a lot more insight into more than what you read in here. There's that word familiarity. We talked about that when we talked about the continuum of learning. With regard to the ethics of coaching, be familiar with the code of ethics and its application. Demonstrate that a coaching that's aligned with the with the code of ethics, and remain consistent in the role of coach. J.R. Flatter [00:07:56]: And so I as your assessor, if I if you're doing a performance evaluation for me, I'm looking for that, and I'm saying, yes, you did or or no, you didn't. And the same with embodying a coaching mindset. It gives us markers from 4, 5, 6, and 7 to further describe what is a coaching mindset. But at the end of the day, it's up to the assessor, me or any other assessor, to say whether or not you did or did not embody a coaching mindset. But by the time you get through these fundamentals, and we're a little over halfway through them now, you're gonna clearly know whether you're coaching or not. It's not yet instinctive. It will become instinctive over time, But you're gonna know whether you are an open mind, whether you're curious and flexible and leader centered, whether you're learning and growing yourself, whether you are being reflective in your coaching, and what preparations you need before and after a session. Those things through your repetitions are gonna become second nature to you, and Those are all demonstrating a coaching mindset. J.R. Flatter [00:09:10]: And I, as the assessor are going to say, yes, you did, or no, you didn't. And I would say confidently, if you get a no in either of these, a, you never should have done the practice performance evaluation because as your mentor, I should know you're not ready. And, b, you're not gonna pass the session. You're gonna get a failing mark in the performance evaluation. So these thing these 2 are so foundation, such as part of the foundation of the entire practice of coaching that if you get a no in either of these, it's a fail. It's just cut and dry. But I have a lot of autonomy as your assessor, as your mentor, to say whether or not you've demonstrated either of them. And quite candidly, as a mentor, by the time you get to your first practice performance evaluation. J.R. Flatter [00:10:03]: We do 2 practice and 1 final. I know I have confidence that you're demonstrating both of these. I have confidence you're gonna pass the session successfully, or I simply won't schedule it, and neither will your other mentors. We just met with our mentors yesterday, and we talked about that exact thing. It's not an absolute, but it's pretty strong. Cocreating the relationship, 3, 4, and 5, establishing and maintaining agreements. You see a lot of repetition in the competencies, And one of those repetitions is mentioning of the who and the what. You'll see that first here, the who and the what in competency 5. J.R. Flatter [00:10:46]: The who is the leader you're coaching. The what is the challenge that they brought into the room. We're always, always, always is more interested in the who than we are in the what. How are you doing? What are you feeling? What's going on in your mind, your body, your spirit? But the what is what facilitates that discovery in the who. So there, the what is relevant as well. But establishing and maintaining agreements. We did that in the very beginning where we signed that formal relationship. But also in every session, you reestablish, and then you maintain throughout the session that agreement. J.R. Flatter [00:11:29]: And there are 4 markers here, and I think it's worth our time to talk about each of the 4 of them and mention that we should really slow down, and lay this baseline because they're so distinct and so important. Partner with the client to identify or reconfirm what they want to accomplish in the session. So you you can and do revisit 3.1 again and again. Then there are different ways to ask this. There are multitude of ways to ask, what's the best use of our time? We try not to bound it at all. I often hear coaches make the mistake of saying, what's your top priority of the day? Because I took I put 2 boundaries in there already, top and today. So I bound for them already what the conversation can be about. I oftentimes just open up with, Hey. J.R. Flatter [00:12:23]: What's going on? Or what's on your mind? And you heard me hesitate there because I hesitated. This is what I'm talking about. Silence is my friend. To not bound my example. 3.2 talks about how do we know we got there. You could call it measures of success, which is what the ICF does. But how do we know we accomplished our objectives? You know, you'll go back and forth until you're comfortable that you have sufficient information to move forward. 3.3 is really, really important because it talks implicitly about the who. J.R. Flatter [00:13:00]: What about this challenge is important to you as a human being? Couldn't be a more powerful coaching question entirely focused on the person, and what about it that was important to them? And then 3 dot 4, what are some obstacles that might be between us and success? And so Part of my maturation as a coach in the last 12 months has been a stronger focus in my own coaching, but also and my coach education programs to slow down and focus more on 3, use the analogy, the Example of Einstein, when asked if he had an hour to solve a problem, he said I would take 55 minutes to define the problem in 5 minutes to solve it. Not quite the same ratio in a coaching session, but it certainly holds true that you should focus on competency 3 just a little bit longer than you think you need to. And You not only identify, but you confirm and or reconfirm. So did I hear that correctly? Is this the best use of our time in this session. And then and only then do you move on to 4 and 5, cultivating trust and safety, maintaining presence, which for us, in the arc of the relationship, are grouped together 4, 5, 6, and 7. But acknowledging that you're not in the driver's seat. 4.1 is clearly telling me I'm a I'm telling the leader you're in the driver's seat, your talents and insights are prevalent here. Support and empathy, absolutely. J.R. Flatter [00:14:43]: Supporting the client's expression of their feelings, their concerns, their beliefs, their suggestions. We talked about 4.3 when we talked about the house of leadership, and Lucas talked about this in one of his comments. It's their house, it's their session, and we're supporting them. And so if I could think of a single word for, competency 4, it's supporting. Competency 5, acting in response to the whole person. This is the 1st time we see the who acting in response to the what, how they're describing the challenge, in courses of action, what they're in control of, but what? And then we partner with them to choose the path of what happens in this session. Similar to 3 dot 1, 2, 3, and 4. It's 5 dot 3. J.R. Flatter [00:15:37]: Curiosity. I love the pause here on this word to the in 5 dot 4. It's curiosity on behalf of the leader, not curiosity on our own behalf. Very important, nuanced difference. I'm coaching someone that I've been coaching for a year, and I know they're married, But I know they live in a different house, in a different state than their wife, and I've never asked what's that all about because that curiosity that I have as a human being has never been relevant to the coaching topics that he's brought into the room. He's never talked about it other than in the in the in the relationship to buying and selling a house. And so I could never convince myself that beyond my own curiosity, it was actually relevant, and then I would be maintaining presence and curiosity on his behalf. Here's the first time we talked about silence, the coach allowing for silence, pause, and reflection. J.R. Flatter [00:16:41]: Probably one of the more important things you do as a coach and one of the most powerful things you could do as a coach is just be quiet. Lucas and I learned the acronym this year, WAIT, w a I t, why am I talking? Whether it's relevant to your leadership or your coaching, if you find yourself with a a sore throat and a dry mouth, you've probably been talking way too much, and you should probably ask yourself, why am I talking so much? You know, especially in a coaching session. Moving on, domain 6 and 7, communication. Listening actively is probably one of the more exhausting things you can do as a human being. Intellectually exhausting, physically exhausting, because it's not how you were taught to listen. It's not how you learn to listen, but it's absolutely essential in coaching that you actively listen to what's being said, and you're customizing your questions to what you're hearing. You're adapting. You're watching, and this is where we talk for the 1st time talk about whispers. J.R. Flatter [00:17:50]: You're looking at the emotions, the body language, the words between the words, the connecting of disparate thoughts, that's what listening actively is all about. So, again, one of the greatest strengths you can bring into a coaching session is to be quiet. One of our coaches in Ireland talks about I have 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason. I should listen twice as much as I talk. And then 7, love competency 7, it's talking about what new awareness am I helping my leader to discover. And it goes back to the findings inclusions and recommendations that we've talked about on a few occasions. It's my leader's responsibility to make those discoveries. I'm facilitating them. J.R. Flatter [00:18:42]: One of the greatest joys we get as a coach is when they say, Wow, what a great idea. And we remind them, That wasn't me. That was you. You see the who and the what again for the 2nd time. So focusing on the who, the person, and the what, the challenge that they brought in. 7.5, I think, is especially important here. And this goes back to Luke's earlier comment, sharing with no attachment, which some philosophers might say is impossible as a human being to be absolutely objective. What you're hearing and seeing and learning, that's what the ICF means with no attachment. J.R. Flatter [00:19:26]: So it's their house, their experiences, their emotions, their expressions, and you supporting them, respecting them, adapting to them without judgment, without influencing your next question or observation with your own house of leadership. And it's an impossible ideal, but that doesn't mean that it's not worthy of pursuit. You're influenced by your lifetime of experiences, your education, your ethnicity, your gender, a multitude of other things. And so asking you to completely step out of those, I know even saying them out loud is an impossible idea. And then finally, cultivating learning single competency, but 9 sub competencies facilitating client growth. We call this the beyond phase, and we're gonna look at the arc in our last couple of minutes of this session. Exploring. So 3.1 becomes 8.1. J.R. Flatter [00:20:33]: So in 8 dot one, we're asking, how did we do on what we said we wanted to accomplish? So, therefore, if you didn't ever establish 3 dot one, you don't have an 8 dot one to close. It doesn't mean you failed the session and doesn't mean it was an unsuccessful coaching session, because sometimes you don't clearly establish any part of 3. Client's not ready. There's not enough trust and safety yet. Could be any number of things. They just had a fantastical event or a catastrophic event, and they just need to talk to somebody. So all of these are ideals. Across your coaching practice, you should see them regularly. J.R. Flatter [00:21:16]: Across each coaching relationship, you should see them, maybe not all of them depending on the length of the session or the relationship. Across each session. You're not gonna see all 9 of these. You're not even gonna see all 8 competencies. So that's not the ideal that we're asking for. What did you learn in this session. One of the most powerful and courageous questions and one that I always, always, always encourage you to ask. You'll find your own way to ask it. J.R. Flatter [00:21:45]: What do you know now that you didn't know 27 minutes ago? What did you discover in our conversation today? Any number of ways to ask 8.2, but I strongly, strongly encourage you to ask it. And they break it down into the who and the what. Instinctively, the leader's gonna go to the what. And as a world class coach, you're gonna say, great. Congratulations. Now what about the who? You you. What are you feeling? What's going through your mind as we wind down this session. And I've told you I'm a very explicit coach, so as we go through this arc, I'm talking about the beginning, the middle, and the end, which are gonna be the next slide that I show you. J.R. Flatter [00:22:30]: One that I'm the most uncomfortable with, and I'm still trying to find a way to ask it comfortably, is this a good place to stop? The clock is never our friend. In a coaching relationship, we're usually bounded by our calendar in some way, so the clock usually answers this for us. You might have a fantastical discovery, and it's time to celebrate and go home after 20 minutes, and you have an hour blocked. Or you they could come into the session in a lack of energy, and their mind is somewhere else, and you you can see that they're just not present. You you've tried a couple of different approaches, and still you could suggest as a coach at any time. Hey. Let's reschedule this. I could see that your your mind's elsewhere. J.R. Flatter [00:23:19]: You could have an amazing discovery. They could come in, like, I have to be careful here. I was gonna give you an example, but I probably would've given away some confidentiality. But someone came into a session with this magnificent discovery that they had had since our last session. In 2 minutes into the session, I congratulated the person, and I said, you need to go celebrate. Let's reschedule this session, and thanks for sharing. But you'll decide as a coach how to ask that question and when to ask that question. So in our last few minutes together in this session, let's just look at the arc and how we group them together and how we teach them. J.R. Flatter [00:24:02]: Hopefully, the ICF won't be too disappointed that we've come and group them a little differently. Because as I look at the arc of a session, and as our coaches and mentors contribute to the growth of our practice. We see it broken down into the beginning, the heart and beyond. The beginning is all about competency 3, and clearly identifying all 4 markers, and taking time as much as a third of the session, maybe even more, to clearly define What is the best use of our time today? How are we gonna know when we get there? What is important about this to you as a human being? And what might be some obstacles between us and success. And to borrow a phrase from Michael Begay Stanier, stay in 3 a little more than you're comfortable. I think he says stay curious a little longer than you're comfortable. For me, I would add, stay focused on 3 dot 1, 2, 3, and 4 a little longer than you're comfortable. The heart of the session, the same as the heart of the relationship. J.R. Flatter [00:25:16]: And I ask myself, I keep this in front of me when I'm coaching. Yeah. Am I clearly established competency 3? And if I haven't, am I not going to, and it's just better to move on? And if I have, when I'm going through the session, am I supporting my leader in their house of leadership? Am I adapting my coaching to what I'm hearing? Am I responding to what I'm learning and they're learning? And am I creating new awareness? That's competencies 4, 5, 6, and 7. And then finally, beyond the session, which is largely competency 8. Again, this isn't meant to be linear. The session could and will wind back and forth. How did I do? How did we do? That's 8 dot 1. What actions are you gonna take based on this session? How are you gonna hold yourself accountable? We, as a coach, are a an accountability option. J.R. Flatter [00:26:16]: We should never force ourself onto our leaders as an accountability choice. Hey. I'm your coach. I can help you be accountable. That's a little stronger than I would be comfortable with. You know, one of my roles as a coach can be to help you stay accountable. Depending on where you're at with trust and safety in the relationship is whether I we even make that statement. Early on, I know the answer is gonna be yes, because I'm largely still in charge even though I've told them, you're in the driver's seat. J.R. Flatter [00:26:51]: Celebration, There's a huge difference between celebrating and affirming. I love celebrating discoveries with leaders that I coach, but I will never affirm that it was the right decision. So someone may discover that they want to change jobs, and I'll celebrate that discovery with them. I won't say something like, Man, I've been waiting for months for you to say that. That's just a little bit too far. And then ending. Does this look like a good place to stop? Lucas Flatter [00:27:23]: Yeah. I mean, I think If we're talking about, like, the arc of this session versus, like, the whole relationship like we went over earlier, It's a little difficult sometimes to make sure that you have their goals for a particular session. And like you said, you sometimes wanna pull in Goals from the previous session if it's not the first one. But, yeah, I would say sometimes if you're further into the arc And 3 wasn't firmly established. I would almost tend to go back and and try to get some of that because I find personally that I can if I don't have that structure, it can kinda meander and become less, You know, less effective because less professional in a way. J.R. Flatter [00:28:10]: Yeah. I would say early, especially early in a relationship, it's okay to let them meander. If they've had a fantastical discovery or a catastrophic event, absolutely be there to listen. But across the arc of the relationship, you have an obligation to clearly establish objectives, clearly establish measures of effect of, of, success, clearly establish what about this basket of challenges is important to you as a human being, and then what are some of the obstacles that remain between you and that objective. Alright, my friend. We'll see you soon. Alrighty. Well, that concludes this episode of building a coaching culture. J.R. Flatter [00:29:01]: I truly hope that this episode was helpful to you. If it was, Be sure to follow us wherever you listen to podcasts. Maybe stop and give us a rating or a review and share this podcast with someone who might find and helpful as well. Thanks again, and we'll see you next time.