Coaching Fundamentals: Asking Powerful Questions - Part 5

Building a Coaching Culture - #103: Coaching Fundamentals: Asking Powerful Questions - Part 5 === J.R. Flatter [00:00:44]: Hey, everybody. Welcome back. JR Flatter here with my cohost, Lucas. Hello. And we're still working our way through the fundamentals of coaching. It's early in the new year, thought it was time to revisit some of these fundamentals. The final session is powerful questioning. We found over time combining these 2 what used to be 2 sessions into a single session. J.R. Flatter [00:01:10]: It's a little bit more comfortable and less artificially separated, so that's why you see powerful question 1 and 2. As always in in this final session, we're gonna take some time, get ready to learn, get ready to coach, take our mind off of what we were doing and what we're gonna be doing in a few minutes after the session's over, and focus a 100% of our energy together here in this session. So take a couple minutes. Oh, it's just like to close my eyes, take up a deep breath. It's amazing how powerful that is. Alright. I'm having a great day. Part of what we talk about in mindfulness is having a growth mindset. J.R. Flatter [00:02:00]: For any of our listeners or viewers that have a general practitioner, doctor, ours retired, and how hard it is to find a new one. And so I finally found a new one for Alicia and myself, you know, we just had our, follow-up appointments this morning. And they do a whole slew of blood tests, which despite the Internet and the best my best efforts, I learned very little about the results. All I knew is that a couple of them were off the charts high, in you know, I pride myself in being a healthy person, and it was a little bit alarming. The doctor didn't say anything between visits. It was 6 weeks between visits, so I didn't worry about it too much. But I came into my appointment this morning, and she's like, yeah. It's no big deal. J.R. Flatter [00:02:54]: So I'm kinda celebrating that small victory. So that's my, success story of the day. How about you? It's going well or not in your world? Lucas Flatter [00:03:05]: Well, I J.R. Flatter [00:03:06]: You had a good friend that just left. Lucas Flatter [00:03:07]: Yeah. I just had a good visit, and we took a couple days off, which I came back to work like, alright. What do what do I get to work on? I'm like, I'm I'm sick of just hanging out. So that was fun to come back today. J.R. Flatter [00:03:22]: Yeah. So powerful questions. How does one ask a powerful question? And I'm gonna go through this pretty quickly because I'd rather show you in the arc of a session, in the relationship of the arc of a session, and how one asks a powerful question. And I wanna purposely pause here and let you jump in, Lucas, because you have your own style. This all comes from lessons learned. So competency 2 asks us to have a reflective practice. And what that means to me is observe your own coaching and go back and ask yourself, how could I have done that better? And so you and I are coaches and educators, I'm sort of constantly improving our education programs. I almost said training. J.R. Flatter [00:04:12]: I hate using the word training when I talk about coaches, because training is something that you learn rote from memorization, and that's not what we're doing here. We're educating. So we have education programs, but almost all of this comes from reflecting on what did we learn, how might we have done it better. So that's where these bullet points come from, and I'm sure you have observations or even additions. Always start with a blank chalkboard and an empty table. You've heard me say once, I'll say it again, I rarely speak in absolutes. This is one of the absolutes of coaching in a coaching mindset. Even if it was an hour ago that you were talking to this person, then they said, I'm going to do this action. J.R. Flatter [00:05:00]: Let's get together in an hour. I would still walk into that coaching room with an empty chalkboard and an empty table because I don't, a, know if they did it, and I don't want to constrain the conversation we have with them, me expressing the least bit of disappointment. You said you were gonna do this, and you didn't do it. And so we always try to ask unbounded questions, which we'll jump into a little bit. But if I bind that question in any way, the only binding bounding I'll put on my introductory statement is, hey, I've got a hard stop at 0, or I have a soft stop if we need to go long today. That's the only bay bounding I'll put on a session. I'll try really hard not to ask what's the top of your mind because that prioritizes, what are you thinking about today? Because that by bounds their answer. Certainly, you don't wanna ask. J.R. Flatter [00:06:01]: Last time we met, you said you're gonna do these 3 things and and how'd that go? You just failed the session right there because you've only given them 3 options to talk about. And if they didn't do any 3 of them, then they know you're gonna be disappointed, so don't do that. Yeah. Jump in here on the blank chalkboard and empty table because you've heard me say it a 1000 times. Lucas Flatter [00:06:21]: Yeah. I mean, the way I like to think about it and we talk about it with, like, people that you bring into the room, but, you know, you're doing this mental modeling with each other. And if you kind of have preconceived notions and bring different things and bring concepts, you're not allowing them the chance to you know, starting with the empty chalkboard is something that they should get the chance to do, so you're kinda robbing them of that? J.R. Flatter [00:06:50]: No. That's that's very, wisely worded. I love that word, robbing. You're stealing opportunity for them to own the session, the very beginning of the session. And although we're talking about asking powerful questions, one of the last things you should do is go out and preconceive a list of potential questions. You can go out and ask the Internet right now, Give me a list of 50 powerful coaching questions, and it will give me a list of 100 powerful coaching questions, and it will but that is constraining yourself unnecessarily. And it's like an open book test. If you haven't studied the material, having the textbook Lucas Flatter [00:07:32]: in front of you, it's not going to help you in the J.R. Flatter [00:07:32]: session, but most of the hook in front of you. It's not gonna help you in the session. The most that I do is I keep the PCC markers in front of me, and I keep the arc of a session in front of me, and I'll look at those from time to time to remind myself where we're at in the session, to remind myself where we're at in the relationship and to remind myself it's my obligation to demonstrate all of the of the competencies and the markers within the competencies. But other than that, in the silence of my own coaching. So when I'm silent, I'm giving you an opportunity to discover and to continue talking, but I'm also giving myself the opportunity to ask, what's the next best how thing I could do or say? And so I go through a series of questions with myself, literally and figuratively. Is this a powerful coaching question as I've been taught Does it conform to the ethics and core competencies and core values of coaching? Is it curiosity on behalf of the leader and not me? So I'm going through this litany of questions, and I'm silent a little longer than uncomfortable being silent. And I always ask or try to ask an open ended question, which is what the 2nd bullet point the who, what, or how If your question starts with a who, what, or how it's probably a powerful coaching question. You've left the blank, the chalkboard blank, they've told you what they think the best use of your time is. J.R. Flatter [00:09:09]: You've explored competency 3. What's the best use of our time? What about this is relevant to you as a human being? What are some measures of success, and what are some obstacles? And so now you're asking yourself who, what, or how for the heart of the session, 4, 5, 6, and 7, you probably can't go wrong what, who, or how. Lucas Flatter [00:09:31]: Yeah. I mean, you're trying to pull in these things in a non manipulative way, like Yeah. Yeah. You know? So just, like, at the bare minimum that you can say like, I I saw this bullet for, don't ask a question. Ask Something unknown. And it's like, if I've asked it and I already know it, it seems manipulative if I ask it again. You know? It's like, why would why would he ask again? J.R. Flatter [00:10:02]: Yeah. I have a multitude of examples of my mind is curious about something, but I know they know the answer to it, so I'm not gonna ask them because it's curiosity for my sake, not for their growth. You've jumped a bullet point ahead. And this seems like an ideal that's a bridge too far, but I really love challenging myself to this ideal. The reason I've never asked that person, why is it that you live in separate houses in separate states? Because I know they know the answer, and I know it's my curiosity for my own sake. Could I have manipulated the conversation into that direction? Of course, I could have. One of the things I least enjoy hearing from a leader is I could see where you're going with that question, because if they see that I'm leading them to the river because I think they're thirsty, I'm not coaching. Avoid why. J.R. Flatter [00:11:01]: I think it's really hard to ask a why question that's not judgmental. We could practice and try, but why is almost always judgmental. Why did you do that? Instead, turn it into a what, who, or a how. What was the criteria? How did you come to that conclusion? In the obvious, you know, don't ask yes or no. If you're in a powerful relationship and there's a lot of trust and safety in the room, you can get away with yes or no questions, but in the silence of your moments, ask yourself, is there a way to ask this as a who, what, or how? And oftentimes there is. Stay in the passenger seat, pivot with the leader, bask in silence. I tell you when it's when you're in your 1st few coaching sessions, it is so hard to be quiet because, a, you've been taught to be the answer person, and, b, it's just terribly uncomfortable to stare at another human being. There's a couple of things going on there, and one of them is very practical. J.R. Flatter [00:12:04]: They're thinking and you're thinking, but you're also educating them, and I'm very explicit about this. I'm gonna be quiet a lot in my coaching sessions, and when I'm quiet, I'm thinking I expect either you're thinking or you're gonna continue talking and exploring. We're not comfortable being silent. We're taught to be the answer people and give answers. And people that come to us, if they know us as a mentor or they know us as, you know, go to JR if you need an answer, they're gonna be confused the 1st few times you say, I'm not quite sure. What do you think? Or, Stay silent a little longer than you're comfortable. Stay silent a little longer than you're comfortable. Again, to pair badly paraphrase Michael B. J.R. Flatter [00:13:00]: Gaines senior. What are your thoughts on silence? I know we talk about this so much in our education programs. Lucas Flatter [00:13:08]: Like you said, it's not natural. It makes you feel like you're not doing enough if, you know, you're pausing and And letting letting yourself think and letting the other person think. But it's really essential if you're, you know, I'm trying to react to what they're saying, what what your leader is saying without having those preloaded questions. J.R. Flatter [00:13:33]: Yeah, you just reminded me of I always learn every time I hear I listen to you, so I should listen to you more often. If you're doing the majority of the work, you're not coaching. And so, certainly, if you're talking the most, you're not coaching. If you're doing most of the heavy lifting, you're not coaching, and it is a natural. It's like learning to delegate. If you've ever been a leader and you've delegated to someone, it feels like you're giving somebody else your job, you should be doing it. But when you think about the scope of your responsibilities and opportunity cost discussions. You know, is it really the best use of my time across the enterprise? And so there's a lot of, relevance between delegating and coaching because you're gonna ask questions that you've experienced the outcome a 100 times before. J.R. Flatter [00:14:26]: But as a coach, you're giving them that opportunity to discover, and then therefore, they'll own it. If you tell them or if I tell them I've done this a 100 times before, and this never worked, this is what worked. A, they're saying, yeah, boomer, and, b, they're not they're not gonna own it. And so one of the things we wanna do from our powerful relationships and our powerful sessions is create ownership that they own the outcome. A couple of the competencies talk about no attachment. I find I think it was 7 dot something. I forget the exact competency, but speaks to us coaching to their house of leadership. If you find yourself nudging them in the direction of your morality or nudging them in the direction of your principles, hey. J.R. Flatter [00:15:16]: Wow. I I could see where you're going with that. Thanks for bringing me down that trail. If I see you ask rapid fire questions, like, as soon as I stop talking, you ask me a question. I know you're not listening to me, for one thing, and I know that you're leading me somewhere. In 1 practice performance evaluation, I actually had a coach say, and that is the perfect response that leads me to my next question. Boo. You just told me that you're not listening, and you had your questions preconceived. J.R. Flatter [00:15:52]: Coaches don't do that, just like we don't hide advice within our questions. A lot of new coaches, you'll hear them nudging someone in a particular direction. Have you thought about it from this angle? When all they're really saying is you really need to look at it from another angle. There are ways to ask that powerful question. One of the ways in just in the silence of your thoughts to ask yourself, is it a powerful coaching question is, am I preconceiving the outcome? Alicia, your mother, her office is 10 feet away, and she hears me say the word hypothesis 100 times a week, so it's our new joke between each other. What's your hypothesis on that? But it's okay to have a hypothesis and test the hypothesis. You know, hypothesis is nothing more than educated guess. And so if I were coaching you and you said across 3 sessions, you mentioned your son. J.R. Flatter [00:16:48]: You mentioned your son's having trouble learning to play the ukulele, and you mentioned your son loves being with his cousins. I now have information on your son that you've brought into the coaching room that I have a hypothesis that your son's very important to you, and I might bring that in the coaching room. You've mentioned your son on multiple occasions, and it sounds like there's some relevancy between work, family, and self going on here. What does it feel like to you when I say that out loud? For me, that's a very powerful coaching question. If I were to say, don't you think the fact that you have a 4 year old is influencing this decision? That's a little too close to nudging you in a particular direction. What I might ask is, what is it about the age of your son that might be influencing this decision. Two very different things. So don't hide advice. J.R. Flatter [00:17:46]: New coaches stack their questions out of the newness and the thinking that they have to fill out that's the quietness and make sure their question's absolutely clear. Ask 1 question and 3 to 5 words. That's it. Don't ask the same question 3 times in 3 different ways, and don't ask 3 questions in a row. I hear new coaches do this all the time. And if you were to sit in on our education class, you hear me say, stop stacking, stop stacking. We do something we call 1 on 1 feedback. One thing I loved, one thing you could have done better. J.R. Flatter [00:18:25]: That's probably early on in a cohort. One of the more prevalent and other you stacked. You asked the same question 3 different ways, or you asked the same question 3 times, or you asked 3 questions in a row. And then the last one, I might not ask a question at all. I might just raise my eyebrows. I might tilt my head. I might be able to sit there silently. I might say something like, tell me more. J.R. Flatter [00:18:51]: Keep talking. There's any number of ways to keep the conversation going. Lucas Flatter [00:18:56]: One problem, that I personally have faced is and I think it's on the end, not a question. It's like, it takes me, maybe a minute or 2 minutes where I'm like trying to formulate the question. And that should probably be just thinking time, you know, thinking out loud. Mhmm. J.R. Flatter [00:19:13]: Oh, yeah. Being explicit rather than implicit. That's great. I'm a very explicit coach, and I'm telling you 20 times in a session, what's going on in my mind, or what's going on in the session. And it could be as as explicit as I'm being quiet because I wanna give you time to think, and I'm trying to think of the next power best powerful thing to ask you. Or if I'm a little more bold and there's a little more trust and safety in the room, I would say, I'm being silent because I'm expecting you to continue exploring this out loud. There should be a lot of trust and safety in the room before you do that. So the last couple of minutes together in this session, there's an arc to your questions just like there's an arc to the session. J.R. Flatter [00:20:05]: There's a beginning where all of your questions should focus on competency 3. You should come on with a completely empty chalkboard and empty table. And then once you get beyond 3 or you've decided we're not gonna get there from here today, either we're very new in our relationship or something fantastical or catastrophic has happened or their mind is elsewhere, then I can move into the heart. And, these are all ideals. They're not absolutes. And so it's completely acceptable to have a successful coaching conversation without establishing a clear 3. As a practice, it's not, but on any given session, it's okay. Sometimes they just need someone to listen. J.R. Flatter [00:20:53]: That's where the heart of the session comes in. So all of my questions, when I, in my mind, have said, we're now in the heart of the session. We're gonna focus on 4, 5, 6, and 7, and I keep them right in front of me. And when I'm silent and I'm exploring what should be my next powerful thing, I'm looking at 4, 5, 6, and 7. But I'm also watching the clock, and I'm watching the energy in the room, body language. And I know that at some point in my questioning, well, the clock is not my friend. We're gonna start winding down, and I'm gonna be explicit about that. I'm gonna make hints like I just did a few minutes ago saying, in our final few minutes together, that's a hint to you and me that we're winding down the session, and to the listeners and the viewers, I do that during coaching sessions too. J.R. Flatter [00:21:44]: What happens once in a while is I'll look at my watch and it's two nine, and I've got a hard stop at 30. And I'm apologizing and closing the session in 1 minute. You don't want that to happen to you. And so I have the clock in the bottom right corner, and I'm watching it pretty carefully, knowing exactly where I'm at and when I need to say goodbye and bringing you through beyond in more than just a couple of sentences, but would take some time to close the session appropriately. And that is the arc of a coaching session and its relationship to powerful questions. As always, I'll give you the final parting thoughts. Take us home. Yeah. Lucas Flatter [00:22:30]: I think this one's kind of intuitive. Like, if you're Trying to impose some structure around your session, your the 1 session you're in, the arc of the session, The way that you're guiding from, you know, transitioning from what are our goals to let's talk about the meat of the problem Or the heart. And then how are we gonna take this beyond? And let's wrap up. Those all require questions to kinda nudge toward. And that's The part where you probably do need a tiny bit of manipulation, but good kind of manipulation. J.R. Flatter [00:23:06]: Yeah. I I greatly agree with you. And this is where our ownership of the sessions and our ownership of the relationship comes into play. It's uncoach like to leave someone hanging. And so if I need to manipulate the arc of the session to ensure I don't leave them hanging, I'm gonna do that. So let's say I've set aside an hour and we've celebrated something at 50 minutes. I'm gonna close. I'm not gonna open Pandora's box with 10 minutes left because I know it's irresponsible. J.R. Flatter [00:23:42]: If we finished at 30 minutes and celebrated, then I'm probably gonna say, I'm gonna go back into the archives and pull something out. But at the same time, if you're having this amazing conversation, and you're not watching the clock, and it's 29, and you gotta end at 30. You've been irresponsible, and you're probably gonna be late for your meeting. You you have a responsibility to that human being, and it's your obligation to manage the clock, not theirs. And so I would strongly hesitate trying to close in 60 seconds, actually, if there's a lot of emotion in the room, a lot of energy in the room, but you're gonna have to wind that down. You're gonna have to thank them for their patience, but you've lost the bubble on the clock, and you gotta run. We're gonna get together again on 20th. If you need to talk to him between now and then, pick up the phone, send me an email. J.R. Flatter [00:24:38]: I'm here for you, but I got a hard, hard stop. Alright, my friend. Good session. Talk to you soon. Well, that concludes this episode of building a coaching culture. I truly hope that this episode was helpful to you. If it was, be sure to follow us wherever you listen to podcasts. Maybe stop and give us a rating or review and share this podcast with someone who might find helpful as well. J.R. Flatter [00:25:04]: Thanks again, and we'll see you next time.