Asking Powerful Questions - Part 2

Building a Coaching Culture - #88: Asking Powerful Questions - Part 2 === J.R. Flatter [00:00:00]: I might not find the perfect question because we don't want perfect to get in the way of powerfulness. Always, always, always ask the reflection quest Speaker B [00:00:13]: You're listening to the building A coaching culture podcast. If you need to compete and win in the 21st century labor market as an employer of choice, this podcast Yaz is for you. Each week, we share leadership development, coaching, and culture development insights from leading experts who are developing world cultures in their own organizations. And now here's your host, JR Flutter. J.R. Flatter [00:00:45]: We've talked a lot about basking in silence, but It's worthy of stopping and pausing here for a moment. It's very uncomfortable and very unnatural for a leader And he's had a mentoring style of leadership to be silent. It takes even more courage to say, I'm not sure. What do you think? But when you see me pause and or hear me pausing, I'm not pausing for effect. A, I'm being purposefully paced slowly so that you and I both have time to think, and the leader that I'm working with has time to think. And I'm basking in silence so that I'm ensuring that I'm, as core competency 2 asks, maintaining a coaching mindset, maintaining powerful questioning. If I do have a yes or no, which comes seem to comes most naturally to humans. I guess it's makes the complexity of the question much simpler if the answer could be yes or no, but we seem to to lean towards those yes or no questions. J.R. Flatter [00:01:50]: I'm actually, when I'm being silent, asking myself, what is the next powerful question I might ask? And only after I've gone through a list, a litany of potentials, will I then ask that next Powerful question. Is it ethical? Am I keeping my coaching mindset on? Where are we in our relationship? Where are we in our session? Is it yes or no? Is it judgmental? Which is the very next thing that we're gonna talk about, you know, is the clock ticking towards the end of our session. And I now need to start thinking beyond the session and not open Pandora's box in the 55th minute of our 60 minutes together. But of all the changes or lessons of coaching and challenges, Learning to bask in silence is probably one of the most powerful, but also one of the most challenging. Jump in here for a second and talk about your experiences with this Lesson learned. Lucas Flatter [00:02:50]: I guess, just from, like, an entirely practical reason, It just gives the other person a chance so you don't interrupt them. I think you mentioned that, but I I tend to do that when I'm in person with people. I have to really, really deliberately okay. Like, pull back. Okay. Now it's my turn because because otherwise, I'll jump in there. So Just being deliberate and and slowing down. And then you went back to the yes or no questions that that's funny. Lucas Flatter [00:03:22]: Like, as a Computer scientist, it's like, yeah, when you're asking a 100 yes or no questions, you're programming at that point. You know, you're That's manipulation, you know, like eventually, or I'm a lawyer, I'm saying you said yes to this. You said yes to this. And you said no to this, you know? J.R. Flatter [00:03:41]: Yeah. You bring up an interesting characteristic because in many of the core competencies were embedded in your comments, and one of those was interrupting people. I know if I'm observing your coaching, and we do a lot of this, if I'm a mentor and I'm mentoring you and doing the performance evaluation of your coaching and you rapid fire your questions, I know you're not listening because how could you be listening to what I've said, thought about, analyzed and then formulated the next thing you're going to say in the blink of an eye. It's physically Impossible. Mentally impossible for you to rapid fire questions at me if you're actually listening to me, which is competency 6, actively listening. And so part of becoming a A powerful coach and asking powerful questions should be purposefully silent and practice that. There's an acronym that we use, w a I t. Wait. J.R. Flatter [00:04:44]: Why am I talking? If you're talking, there better be a darn good reason in a coaching session. You better have thought very purposefully about what you're saying, and it better be crisp. It better be very succinct, because When you're talking, you're not coaching. When you're listening and you're in the passenger seat, you're responding and adapting, supporting, creating new awareness, then you're coaching. Alright. Coaching the person, addressing their house of leadership, absolutely foundational to coaching, metaphor that you and I use, the house of leadership. We have ours. We have our principles. J.R. Flatter [00:05:24]: We have our work family self. We have our vision. We have our own willingness and abilities as does the leader we're coaching. As you're basking in your silence, the next question you ask better be a question addressing their house of leadership, not yours. And whenever we talk about this, we talk about the difference between ethics and morals. The ethics belong to an organization. So if we work for the same organization, we might have legitimate ethical challenge, ethical disagreements. And as a coach, You and I are working for the same organization. J.R. Flatter [00:06:00]: You might say things in our coaching session that are not aligned with the ethics of the organization we work with. That is potential for conversation because that's an ethical challenge in which we both agreed. If we're going to be coaches, we're going to follow the ethics of coaching. If we're gonna work at this organization, we're gonna follow the ethics of this organization completely different than if our moralities clash during a coaching session or during a coaching relationship. And morality belongs to the individual. So if you and I are in a coaching relationship And you say you like a particular political party, and I despise that particular political party. That's my problem. And that better stay out of the coaching room. J.R. Flatter [00:06:47]: I better address your house of leadership, your choices, your morality because that's my responsibility. If you're truly in the driver's seat and I'm truly in the passenger seat, I better be coaching to your house of leadership. You're a very ethical and moral person. What do you think when I say that? Lucas Flatter [00:07:07]: Yeah. I mean, I think it's going it Kinda reiterates the passenger driver seat. And I'm also thinking about there's this I don't know if it's like a meme or just something that millennials are Saying, but it's like main character energy. It's like when you think every time I walk into the room, I'm the main character. I go into the restaurant, I'm the main character. And the things that you do with that attitude and mindset are just horrendous. Like, you're just mean to people. You're not considering other people. Lucas Flatter [00:07:38]: And You're in a coaching session and that person's the main character specifically, you know. So We talked about they should talk more than you. Their values, like if you think about a story, it's always about values and morality and and their stories being told. So that's how I think about it. J.R. Flatter [00:07:59]: Yeah. What a great analogy. I was thinking exactly about last night at dinner, people walking in and out, and recognizing that, you know, the 4 of us are at the table together, and we're the only 4 that know even know we're there. Right? But in your mind, you're thinking when you walked in the door, the whole place turned and looked and said, oh, yeah. Now who's that interesting character? He just walked in the door. I didn't even know there was a meme associated with that. That's pretty funny. Don't hide advice within your questions. J.R. Flatter [00:08:30]: We stay in the passenger seat. A lot of times we see coaches sneaking their advice into a question. How might I do that? If I think you need a drink of water, I might start asking you, what about this challenge is making you thirsty? What might be another lame metaphor I could use or a cliche I could use? I could be I could ask a question about, don't you think that looks interesting, that flowing river? Those are all hiding advice and questions. And you mentioned Simon Sinek earlier, another person we talk a lot about, Michael, He calls it your advice monster. Keep that advice monster at bay. If you find yourself as you're basking in silence, Thinking about giving advice, you better think twice and the 3rd time. That's not your role. Plenty of other people in the world to give this person advice. J.R. Flatter [00:09:24]: If you take your coaching hat off and you put your advice hat on, you're gonna weaken safety. You're gonna weaken trust. You're gonna weaken the coaching relationship. Just avoid your advice monster at all costs. You know, I have people ask me all the but, yeah, what if I've been down that trail a 100 times before? If it's exigent, like the house is on fire and you know where the fire extinguisher is and, You know, you're in the middle of a coaching session. You're not gonna let the house burn down and not pick up the fire extinguisher. So when he comes up to your desk and ask where is the stapler, you're not gonna begin coaching and saying, well, what is it about the stapler that interests you? Simply gonna show them, well, the stapler's right here. That's not hiding advice. J.R. Flatter [00:10:08]: And there are times, that the circumstances require. What do you think about your advice monster? Lucas Flatter [00:10:15]: Yeah, it's like Almost just another way to insert yourself because you have a tendency, like, you're meeting with a person, You know, let's talk and I'll give my opinion and you can give your opinion. But the advice is just you kind of, You know, giving somebody your your values and your opinions. And I think also, I mentioned liability earlier. It's like, if I give you advice and then something bad happens, you're gonna come back to me and say, hey, I followed your advice and it didn't work, you know? So I have the liability. I have to follow through and and but that's not what coaching is. It's, You know, if you discover something in coaching and it doesn't work out, then we can talk about it, you know. J.R. Flatter [00:11:03]: Yeah. Your advice isn't nearly as good as you think it is. You're not of the same age, background, education, experience, oftentimes ethnicity and gender and preference, and any other number of things. For the same reason, we walk into the room with an empty table and an empty chalkboard is the same reason we don't give advice, because we don't know. We don't know where you've been and and how important this actually is to you truly. And we try to be as empathetic as we can, but the moment you begin actually knowing exactly what the answer is and this advice monster rears its head. You're abandoning your coaching relationship. Alright. J.R. Flatter [00:11:45]: 2 more and then, move on. Don't stack your questions. Then there's 2 ways of doing this, asking the same question 3 different ways. Who do you think? How do you think? Who do you think? But it's the same question. And then the 2nd way of stacking is literally asking 3 2 to 3 questions simultaneously without any response. And all of the other things that we've talked about above and all of the core competencies that we've talked about should tell you exactly that thing. Don't stack your question because you're not listening. You're in the driver's seat. J.R. Flatter [00:12:20]: You're presupposing The outcome you're confusing, you're muddying our conversation. There's endless litany of reasons why you don't stack your questions. So let's go to the first one first, and that is the same question 3 ways. If I need clarity, I'm going to ask. So ask a crisp, short, powerful question. The second one, stacking, you're presupposing my responses. Know what I'm gonna say to the first one. You know what I'm gonna say to the second one. J.R. Flatter [00:12:50]: And therefore, here's my 3rd question. We'll just ask the 3rd question then. Your hypotheses might be wrong. The reason that, you know, the response that you get might not have anything to do with what you thought they were going to say, but it's an appropriate hypothesis nonetheless. What are your thoughts on stacking? Lucas Flatter [00:13:08]: Yeah. I mean, I think a lot of the times I'll I'll fall into it where it's It's like yeah. Like you said, asking for clarification and then asking a question. And you might just say, like, well, you said this and and So that must mean this. And so I'm gonna ask this question. You could just say, like, is this what you meant? And then ask the next question because maybe they came out wrong and they don't actually believe that or J.R. Flatter [00:13:36]: Actually once in a while, we nickname somebody crispy. If they get really good at asking sharp, crisp questions. It's really good characteristic of a coach. And then finally, your next powerful question might not be a question at all. It might be an emotion. It might be a facial expression. Might be, tell me more. Any number of powerful observations you could make. J.R. Flatter [00:14:02]: Like, you you've made several observations during our session today about our conversation. That could be the next powerful thing you bring into the coaching room. In a coaching session earlier today, someone said something in front of the entire cohort, and then the very next sentence said, I'm not that characteristic at all. And I said, it's interesting because you just said it 2 sentences ago. Our mind the way our mind works, one of the powers of coaching is we can shed light on what we observe and not ask a question at all, but simply say, I think You just said the word fear. Did you hear yourself say the word fear? But I would ask permission to ask that very provocative question. And I guess you know, that's my last observation. If you are going to be provocative in your powerfulness in any way, surmising what you think you've heard, bringing back in a potentially inflammatory or an emotional observation. J.R. Flatter [00:15:03]: Ask permission to do it. So here's what I think I've heard you say over the last 3 to 5 responses. I think I hear I see a theme emerging. Is that theme actually what you're thinking? That's what I mean by asking permission. Final thoughts before we head into the arc of a session to close out. Lucas Flatter [00:15:22]: No. But just that, you know, that topic of having a hypothesis and testing it, that's also Really? I don't know if I wanna use this this SAT word, but germane to what we're talking about here because, J.R. Flatter [00:15:36]: You know, Lucas Flatter [00:15:37]: that's what these questions are all about. I have an idea and I want to know if it's Yeah. If you think it's also true. J.R. Flatter [00:15:44]: Yeah. I thought this is just a fancy way of saying an educated guess. So as, you know, our brain, as we're coaching, comes up with these educated guesses on what the next Powerful thing to say is or ask. And you have to be a 100% wrong. It doesn't mean that your question was wrong. It doesn't mean you violated the fundamentals of coaching or you asked an unpowerful question. You simply formed hypotheses that wasn't supported. And that's the very reason we form hypotheses. J.R. Flatter [00:16:15]: We wanna test them. And so that's what our questions do. They test them. They test our educated guesses. So the last couple of minutes together, I just wanted to talk, Put all this together in the arc of a session. And I know we talked about this a lot in the beginning about its relevancy to the question we're asking, But I just wanted to lay a little bit of groundwork on the arc of a session and the kinds of questions that you would ask, and then we'll head out. So in the beginning of the arc of a session is laying the baseline and primarily focused on competency 3, which is establishing, and maintaining an agreement. You're the leader, and I'm the coach. J.R. Flatter [00:16:56]: That's what the agreement is. What are we going to accomplish together in our time together today? Because it is a session within a single day. How are we gonna know we get there? What are some measures of success? How If if you close your eyes and told me the story about what solving this challenge looks like, what is that story? What's the importance to you as a leader, as a human being for this particular challenges. And what might be some obstacles in the way between us and that success? Those are all who, what, how, laying the baseline questions of a particular session. And once I have some clarity about what the leader We'd like to accomplish in that session, then I'll move on to competencies 4, 5, 6, and 7. But I'm gonna spend a little more time than I'm comfortable on competency 3, asking competency 3 powerful questions because I want clarity. My leader deserves clarity on what we intend to accomplish together. So going back to Einstein's theorem, if he had an hour to solve a challenge, he would spend 55 minutes defining the challenge in 5 minutes solving it. J.R. Flatter [00:18:06]: I don't mean, you know, minute by minute, that same metaphor, but spend more time than you think is necessarily in c three in competency 3 like questions. And only when it's clear to you and back to the leader, because not only does comedy see ask us to identify, but it asks us to confirm what the objective is. So ask and confirm, then you move on to 4, 5, 6, and 7. In new coaching relationships And, oftentimes, in voluntold coaching relationships, if a leader's been a bit passive aggressive or isn't comfortable with the coaching conversation. They might not ever get out of 3. They might not be able to identify a clear purpose of this particular session objective of a particular session. So we have to make a decision as a coach. How long are we going to keep poking at that? And can we move on? Do we have enough information to move on and have a powerful session? You and your experience are gonna answer that question. J.R. Flatter [00:19:11]: But I will tell you, knowing the arc of the session, you can't spend, if you've set aside an hour, the entire hour on competency 3. You need to get to the heart of the session and ask part of the session questions, and you need to close. You don't wanna leave the leader hanging and say, eight Zero zero. Gotta go. And so the heart of the session, 4, 5, 6, and 7, competencies 4, 5, 6, and 7, cultivating trust and safety, maintaining presence, listen actively and evoking awareness. I'm I'm focused on doing those 4 things. And and when I'm basking in my silence and looking for that next powerful question, I'm asking, is this question supporting? Is it adapting to what I've heard? Is it responding to this human being that I'm engaged in a coaching relationship with? And will it create new awareness? If the answer to any of those is no, I stay silent a moment longer. I might not find the perfect question because we don't want perfect to get in the way of powerfulness. J.R. Flatter [00:20:15]: So I might settle for 3 of those 4. I'm supporting, adapting, and responding, perhaps not creating. But as I'm watching the arc of the session and I'm watching the clock, I'm gonna make a decision at some point to begin looking beyond the session. And there are several characteristics of looking beyond the session, mostly focused on competency 7 and 8, competency 7 creating new awareness, Competency 8, facilitating client growth. It's all about client growth. All 8 competencies culminate in, Did we create client growth over a session and over the relationship? So necessarily, as the clock is ticking and my time is winding down. I begin to start looking beyond the session and go visit 7 and 8 more closely. What do you know now that you didn't know 30 minutes ago? How can you look at this challenge differently than you might have 40 minutes ago? When you look back to where we were, What do you what's your understanding now? So those are beginning to look beyond the session. J.R. Flatter [00:21:19]: One of our potential roles as a coach is to help be an accountability partner. We don't demand it. We might volunteer it. The leader might ask us, but one of the things you might ask is, What are you gonna do to be accountable to yourself in these objectives that you've set? What are the actions that you're willing to commit to? The reflection question I, one of the absolutes that I have in coaching always, always, always ask The reflection question. What do you know now that you didn't know when we started this session? What have you discovered? How do you see this differently? We talk a lot in our training programs, education programs about celebration, but not affirmation. We celebrate purposely with our leaders when they discover and grow. But we don't affirm that it was the right decision for that discovery and growth. So it's one thing to say congratulations that you've made this decision, but it's a very different thing to say You've made the right decision. J.R. Flatter [00:22:20]: So we do celebrate as we're closing a session. And I'm getting better at this, but it was really challenging for me for a long time asking the is this the right time to stop question. And part of the reason it's challenging for me is I I know the answer 99% of the time is gonna be yes. So I'm kinda tugging at the wheel. The clock has run out, or I think that the challenge has been sufficiently solved. So if I ask that final, Is this the right time to pause and get back together? In our next session, I'm I'm almost positive I know the answer. I've been surprised a time or two. So talk us through the arc of a session for you in in your, beginning, the hard and beyond. Lucas Flatter [00:23:00]: Yeah. I mean, if you think about coaching in an abstract way, it's like we're We're just talking and it's kind of, like, all, you know, imaginary. So we're trying to create, You know, you have the empty room and we're trying to create some model of some problem that we're both going to look at together. So I think what you said about really defining what that problem might be is important. I think lots of times You'll start a session and the problem is something maybe more trivial or just a subset or a sliver of the actual problem. So, Okay. Let's either expand or contract and try to figure out what it actually is. And then thinking about the end, If we're in this, you know, we're both in this imaginary state and okay. Lucas Flatter [00:23:51]: Now now let's step Back and transition back to the real world and how are you going to take what we just talked about and actually Gain value once we're outside of the room. I think that's important. Also, it's kind of a comfort thing. Like you think about Anybody that's been to a yoga class, at the end of yoga, they do like, you know, you lie down and you're meditating and Then you leave yoga and you're like, wow, that was so relaxing, but you were working out for an hour, you know? J.R. Flatter [00:24:25]: Yeah. You just coached me, and and that is competency aid. And the questions I ask are beginning to open that door of the coaching room and looking outside again. I'm gonna capture that one. Alright. Great session. I think a lot of a lot of power in there. Well, that concludes this episode of building a coaching culture. J.R. Flatter [00:24:45]: I truly hope that this episode was helpful to you. If it was, Be sure to follow us wherever you listen to podcasts. Maybe stop and give us a rating or review and share this podcast with someone who might find helpful as well. Thanks again, and we'll see you next time.